


Come As You Are

by skyhillian



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Bullying, Internalized Homophobia, Kinda Dark, M/M, Slurs, kind of stream of consciousness, mention of drugs and alcohol
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-04
Updated: 2016-06-07
Packaged: 2018-07-12 04:51:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7086226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyhillian/pseuds/skyhillian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He didn't really know what gay meant, but it had been said with such vehemence that it had to be a bad thing.</p><p>He didn't want to be bad.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. As You Were - 1

**Author's Note:**

> This has been bouncing around in my head and it's going to be set up a little weird. It's pretty OOC in my opinion, but what are you to do when a story rattles around in your head and you can't get rid of it?

I.

The first time Dan sees Arin in person, his first thought is _wow, he's beautiful_ and it trips him up for a long moment. He's never thought a man was beautiful before, and while he's slowly spiraling into a minor anxiety attack, a waitress taps his shoulder politely to get him to move and he snaps out of it. The following thought is _I'm not gay_ and he shoves it into that little box in the back of his head and that's that.

I - Interlude

Arin is the most open minded person Danny has ever met, and even though he knows he's not serious, the gay flirting gets to Dan sometimes. He catches himself _responding_ to it, flirting back, and that's a no-no. He quickly resolves to change the subject every time Arin does it.

If Arin notices the change in Dan's demeanor when he flirts, he doesn't mention it.


	2. As I Want You to Be - 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there are a few slurs in this chapter

II.

It's roughly a year into his friendship with Arin when Dan has to call in and tell Arin that they have to reschedule the Grump session. He claims his stomach is acting up again, and Arin immediately says that it's no problem and tells Dan to take it easy, and that some time that night he'd bring him some soup. Dan protests, since he's not actually sick and _Arin_ is actually what he's trying to escape, but Arin silences him with a

"I gotta, dude. I'm here to take care of you when you can't do it yourself."

and the sudden prickling behind Dan's eyes startles him.

"Thanks, Ar," he replies softly and hangs up after they exchange goodbyes.

Dan curls up on his bed and tugs at his wild hair in an attempt to ground himself. The mantra of _notgaynotgaynotgaynotgay_ repeats through his head, but now it's joined by the ricochet of _yeah right you're a fag and you need to just admit it_ and he tugs harder, hoping that somehow it'll flip the off switch on his brain.

II - Interlude

Dan was always a scrawny and geeky kid. It didn't help that he did stuff like get a My Little Pony and happily show it to his friends because it was a unicorn one and _dude, have you ever seen a unicorn?! They're rad!_ He made it even worse by being so excited, telling them that her name was Sparkler, and she liked shiny things and that she was going to be a queen some day. His friends had looked at him like he was a freak and one of them had called him a gaylord, and the other three agreed that he was definitely a gaylord because My Little Pony is for _girls_. Dan had hid underneath the slide and tried not to cry for the rest of recess. He didn't really know what _gay_ meant, but it had been said with such vehemence that it had to be a bad thing, like when someone had called Avi a kyke on the street. He didn't know what it had meant, but the way it had been said meant it was a very bad thing.

He didn't want to be bad.


	3. As a Friend - 3

III.

It takes Dan six months to stop absolutely fucking panicking when Arin brings out the gay jokes. He resents Arin a little bit for being able to be so fucking open with his sexuality, especially at a young age like that. He's a fuckin' 35 year old man and he still can't allow himself to even _think_ that another man is attractive without shutting down the thought immediately, but Arin sits there at 28 and jokes about sucking guys off and how attractive some dudes are.

It's stupid, but again, Dan feels like a freak, but for a whole different reason than before.

III - Interlude

It had only continued to get worse. It had been a three day weekend and he had been at a sleepover with three other friends, and they had started talking about girls. By the time the three other boys had said who they thought the prettiest was in their class, it was Dan's turn to tell.

He made a mistake.

"Well, Jimmy's kind of cute," he said. Jimmy had pretty green eyes, and he had his hair grown out to his chin and it was wavy and thick like Dan's, but not anywhere near as insanely uncontrollable. He had a crooked smile and a gap between his two front teeth and Dan thought it was just completely adorable. The moment he spoke he knew he had said something wrong, as all three boys had scrunched up their noses in disgust.

"What are you, gay?" one of them had asked.

"What? No!"

After the Pony Incident the year before, Dan had asked his mom what a gaylord was. Debbie had explained what gay itself meant, and told Dan that other kids didn't know what they were talking about.

"You _like_ him, though! That makes you gay."

Dan slept on the other side of the living room that night, away from his friends, and left as soon as the streetlights had turned off outside in the morning.


	4. As an Enemy - 4

IV.

He finally stops denying that he's attracted to Arin. He has yet to decide that it's an okay thing, but he's finally stopped attempting to convince himself that he doesn't think Arin is absolutely fucking beautiful. Apparently the acceptance has opened some sort of floodgate that Dan can't get closed again, and he ends up dreaming about Arin.

_Warm hands with thick fingers slide across his ribs, sending a spark dancing all across his body. The lips that press against his neck leave molten fire in their wake, and the scrape of beard against skin makes his body even more of a livewire than it already is._

Dan sits up in bed, gasping for air. No, no, no, no, no. His dreams were the only place he _didn't_ have to deal with this, and now he's fucked. He pretends he doesn't notice the hardness between his legs and he punches his pillow into submission before curling up as small as he can and attempts to go back to sleep.

He finally drifts off when the birds begin chirping.

IV - Interlude

Dan picked up his worn copy of _The Last Unicorn_ off of the floor where an asshole tossed it when he saw what Dan was reading. At this point, he doesn't have any friends, and he's tired of books and video games being his only companions.

He gets lucky when Avi's job transfers him to a town a few hours away, and he gets the chance to start over.

He's still the odd one out—wild, curly hair, tall and lanky and not fully in control of the way his limbs work yet, and he's quiet and mildly socially awkward. He puts in an effort to play sports, even though he's absolutely fucking _atrocious_ at it. He makes a few friends, and he doesn't talk about the _gay things_ anymore to anyone.

He's normal.


	5. Take Your Time - 5

V.

 

Dan is still wrestling with the fact that he wants to, at the very least, kiss Arin when the D Club conversation happens. He's positive that Arin is yanking his chain, because that's what Arin _does_. Everyone knows that Dan is gullible as shit, and Arin also likes to take things to a homosexual level constantly, and so Dan figures he's pairing the two together.

He's not.

After the mics are turned off, Dan fights with himself on whether he wants to ask Arin more questions about the D Club or to just let bygones be bygones, but he eventually decides that he has to fuckin' know, because _holy shit_.

He asks whether anything else had ever happened at one of these 'meetings' and Arin looks at him like he's trying to figure out a puzzle and for a moment Dan thinks he's caught—he must know why he's asking, he probably knows that Dan's been dreaming about him and he knows that he wants to kiss him and he's going to get fired and end up homeless and—

"Yeah, a few times," Arin finally supplies, and the frenzied rambling shuts off in Dan's head.

"Like, uh, like what?" he asks, licking his dry lips. 

"Some kissing once or twice, cause, y'know, kissing is super nice." Dan nods in agreement. Arin leans back against the couch and stretches and Dan's eyes automatically zero in on the strip of skin visible above his pajama pants. Arin coughs and Dan looks back to his face to see that he looks a little embarrassed. "Maybe a handjob or two?"

"Handjobs?!" Dan's voice rises in pitch again like it had earlier. "Okay, you have to admit that that one is a _little bit gay_ , dude."

Arin shrugs. "Doesn't mean _I'm_  gay. I like pussy a helluva lot to be a gay man, bro." Dan is silent for a few moments.

"So are you like... bisexual then?" Arin shrugs again and Dan really wishes he'd stop doing that because that tantalizing strip of skin keeps becoming visible and it's so tempting to reach out and touch it.

"I dunno. I just like _people_ , I guess. If you're cute and not a complete fuckwad then yeah, let's kiss or bang or jerk it or whatever."

"But you're married to Suzy," Dan points out.

"I just happened to fall in love with a girl," Arin explains while he fiddles with the capture software, making sure it's ready to go when they start up again. "Doesn't mean I couldn't fall in love with someone of another gender."

Arin heads to the kitchen to grab some snacks and Dan sits on the couch, a million thoughts racing through his head because he didn't know that there was a grey area. He thought it was either gay, straight, or bisexual. You had to choose.

When he gets home that night, he spends hours googling sexualities.

He bursts into tears eventually.

 

V - Interlude

 

The one and only time Dan had ever done anything with a guy he was living in Brooklyn in the commune apartment. Everyone was stoned out of their fucking mind and Dan had drank an entire forty ounce of Pabst on top of it. Jeremy had a buddy over because when you have fourteen roommates what's one more dude to join in on the party? They had been passing a joint back and forth between them when Dan suddenly had a lap full of dude.

Through the haze of the weed and the alcohol, the kisses on his neck felt like electricity and his cock was already hard from it. They had kissed until Dan's lips were bruised and their bodies had rocked together until Dan came with a quiet cry in his jeans and it had felt so _fucking good._

When the intoxication wore off Dan found himself with his head in the toilet bowl, throwing up over what he had done. 

_He was bad he was so bad he didn't want to be bad he was normal he HAD to be normal not gay not gay not gay_

He just wanted to be normal.


	6. The Choice is Yours - 6

 VI.

 

Wikipedia has been open for three hours.

He's starting to think that he's figured out just what the hell he is. The description Arin used of "just liking people" seems to fit him well, because he just has so much love to give but he's so scared to give it away to someone who's not a girl. He's just so used to holding it all in at this point and he's  _tired_ because it's fucking destroying him.

He's also found a description for how he feels about sex. _Demisexual_. He always thought he was a freak for that one, too, because so many people could have no strings attached, one night stand sex but he couldn't. The few times he had he had felt like absolute shit afterwards. 

He's up all night and when it's considered a reasonable hour he fires off a text to Arin asking if he can come over for breakfast like he had suggested, and Arin replies enthusiastically. 

Upon seeing how tired Dan looks, Arin thrusts a cup of coffee in his hands and tells him to sit down and stay there or he'll whack him with the damn spatula. He watches Arin work, moving effortlessly around the kitchen and even though he's just making eggs, Dan thinks his movements are beautiful. His eyes linger on Arin's arms, and this time he doesn't feel as terrible about doing so as he usually would.

It's a small improvement but it gives him hope.

 

VI - Interlude

 

The one time Dan had tried mentioning that he liked a boy to his dad, it had not gone over well. He knew that _now_  Avi had changed his views, but he was from Israel and had been taught old beliefs, before things had started changing for the better over there.

"Have any cute girls caught your eye?" Avi had asked after Dan had mentioned that the fall dance, his very first one, was coming up.

"No, but..." He had chewed nervously on his thumb, not sure whether he should say anything or not. It was a bad thing and he didn't want his dad to hate him, but he had already started saying something and Avi hated it when you said "oh nevermind".

"But?" Avi pressed on, and Dan chewed his thumb harder.

"There's a guy that's kind of cute," he mumbled, and the room had gone deathly silent.

"No," Avi had said, and Dan could tell he was angry. " _Asur_ ," he said. _Forbidden._

"I'm sorry," Dan said quietly. "I won't say it again. I'm sorry, Avi."

He had gone to bed without eating because he was so nauseated that he knew he wouldn't have been able to keep it down. He _was_  bad. His dad hated him now. Everything was _wrongwrongwrongwrongwrong_.

_He_ was wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I googled the hebrew word for forbidden and so I hope it's correct.  
> Also, this says nothing about the actual Avi. It's FICTION, so please keep that in mind.


End file.
